I feel like I’ve been in a cave – a dark one with little light, and definitely no color for several years or so. Creatively speaking. But yes, at my core I’m a creative type, so I’ve been blogging fairly regularly, and I wrote a song or two at times when I didn’t have much of a choice. And journaling, that usually never stops. Because I know that without SOME sort of creative outlet, I’d turn into a nightmare (was already halfway there! ;)). But somehow my spirit had died – or so I thought – when it came to music.
And now all of a sudden, I feel like a little bluebird, emerging from that cave. (Although the color pink is more inspiring to me, so a little pinkbird I shall be!)
And how liberating it feels. And how the light feels so good, shining on my face.
And oh, how I’ve felt like a fraud. A musician who doesn’t do music? Can I even call myself one anymore?
And how relieved I’ve felt to know, this is normal, it’s just part of the process.
Much like how before writing a blog or song, sometimes I must put in my time of staring at the wall in front of me. Just staring and doing nothing, really. Which may seem like a pointless waste of time. But it is in fact very much needed. And other times, inspiration just strikes, and I must jump on it and start creating like a mad person before it leaves.
In one of the books I’m currently reading, Still Writing by Dani Shapiro (which I HIGHLY recommend, it’s fantastic), she writes of the creative writing process. The following excerpt helped me more than I could have imagined:
“When I’m between books, I feel as if I will never have another story to tell. The last book has wiped me out, has taken everything from me, everything I understand and feel and know and remember, and… that’s it. There’s nothing left. A low-level depression sets in. The world hides its gifts from me. It has taken me years to realize that this feeling, the one of the well being empty, is as it should be. It means I’ve spent everything.”
This is exactly what I needed to hear and it let me know that what I’ve been going through is “normal”. And it also made me realize a crucial point – the fact that I was so empty, wiped out clean, was BECAUSE I literally gave my whole self for my ‘Child In Me’ album.
And now I know that this is something I should be proud of – I put my everything and my best self into this creative project, so much so that I couldn’t have given any more. And for this, it is the highest, best piece of work I could have created at that point in my life. I put my work=my heart out there, even though it left me vulnerable. I offered it up even if I was terrified. And for that, I am proud.
And my creative deadness after it was a testament to this. How liberating this knowledge is, to me… and to realize, I’M NOT A LAZY FRAUD!!
I may have not known what was going on within me. But I’ve been listening closely. I always do. I didn’t try to force what wasn’t there. If I had, everything I created would have been blah. And I’m not cool with blah. What I’ve been doing, is dancing to the beat of my own heart, not to anyone else’s or especially my own expectations.
And I’ve been waiting for my well to fill up again. With creative juices, and sparkly new stories. With life lessons and glittering dreams. With Magic.
And it slowly has.
And to know that I’ve never stopped being a musician. I’ve just been recuperating. This is gold. No, this is ROSE GOLD. For I Am A Musician. And the music has always been in me. It always IS in me. And it has never left me, though I thought it had.
The pinkbird has emerged.
“Inside you there’s an artist you don’t know about… Say yes quickly, if you know, if you’ve known it from before the beginning of the universe.” – Rumi