Song Portrait: Why


I enter the writing of this song portrait with a willingness to reveal a little of what’s underneath my thick shell… maybe this glass of wine will be of assistance… 😉

This song was written as i found myself covering up me, as usual. it’s a way less scary place to be- underneath a mask where you are shielding what’s in your heart, for all to see…or for all to possibly stomp on. yes, just the possibility of my heart being trampled on is enough to make me cringe but hey, time to step up and live. not just right now, but always, hopefully… for a heart that isn’t truly out there isn’t truly beating… seems to be a constant effort with me! (but to be clear, i have nooo problem in the laughter and anger department! everyone must vary..)

i have a tendency to smile when i feel sad. i’d rather laugh or be furious, than show any sadness. not quite sure where that stemmed from but comfort, to me, is covering up any tears or vulnerability. how can anybody hurt you if you won’t let them see your tears? yes, this started from the time i was a child but i realized later on, how much of yourself are you offering if you can’t really SHOW yourself? and of course, the more you offer, the more you receive… and i am one to know, a good cry is sometimes exactly what you need to relieve yourself, to start fresh and anew.

i also have a tendency to talk myself out of, or wait for something (what?) to happen, before i even begin. could it be that i’m waiting for a particular moment? when everything is perfect? when others have fulfilled their part of the deal? am i waiting for all this junk from my past that holds me back, to disappear before i begin? why? well in that case the beginning may just never happen… This song is about realizing that i am living my dream (or a part of it) right now, because i am on my way there and a lot of it is about the journey, which brings me to the last point.

what is this obsession with getting to the goal, if you (I) even know what that is? the whole point is the journey there, for that’s where you pick up the experiences, the new knowledge, the little rewards… if you (I) can only rejoice when the dream is finally realized, then that will be a very small amount of rejoicing… and WHY choose a very small amount of rejoicing, when you can have a whole LOTTA rejoicing?? 😀 by the way, i am writing this because i am THE prime example of what i seem to be preaching against… heh heh

so in conclusion i have to say, i think we are all the same, i do. no, you who are reading this, may not be Japanese born in the US with my life experiences and childhood, but hey, do you feel happiness? sadness? anger? well, then yes, we are the same. we are trying to find happiness, a fulfillment of some sort in our lifetimes, we have the same goal no matter what form it may appear in. i am flawed, as you are, but we are all perfectly flawed. just as long as we are striving to be a better version of ourselves…

i thank you, glass (or two?) of Riesling, you have helped me uncover me, less painfully! 😉


Song Portrait: Child In Me

For a FREE download go here: <3This song came about when one day I was driving in my car and I started to cry and I didn’t know why. I realized that I was suddenly emotionally and mentally transported back to my childhood. I was surprised because I thought I was over my issues that stemmed from it but I apparently wasn’t. “I guess there’s still a child in me, and the child in me still remembers.” I was on my own, emotionally since I was about a month old. I had caretakers but they were people I’d get attached to for a short period, but would be replaced by someone else and the cycle would repeat. So as you can see, I grew up with many fear and sadness issues. “I’d only ever known to breathe, just enough to be ok”, all I knew was the life I’d been living and I just kind of lived in my physical body without really feeling. I was reunited with my family maybe around age 6-9? I don’t quite remember a lot from that period of my life. Somewhere during all that I remember a babysitter I was attached to bringing me somewhere new and I was terrified of letting go of her hand because I felt I wouldn’t see her again. I didn’t. And when I first saw my parents, they were indeed strangers. However, before I was 10, I was able to live with my family again and my parents have taken care of me and my siblings better than I could ask for ever since. During the song I sing, “Did I run to you? Yes I did”, I was able to come to a point where I trusted my parents to go to them during a very difficult period in my life, and I view that as healing having taken place. Although I’ve had time to work through my hardships, sometimes I’ll still find myself gripped by fear, sadness, or feelings of emptiness more than an average person would feel. But then again, who’s average?I think that we always have a child in us no matter our age. This could mean that our childhoods sometimes never leave us, and it also means that we are always children in a sense that we are always learning. “I am but a child in a world with much yet to be revealed”. The world has so much to offer, so many lessons to present to us so we can grow, and that makes a child-like quality in someone something that can be cherished, if that someone is brave or aware enough to be so. “With my heart out and in comfort I will be filled with the years”. By letting myself be vulnerable and chipping away at the mask I so carefully built to hide myself, I will become whole, “and then the child in me can be at ease”.

I wrote the piano part to sound empty, using sixths and octaves, and the strings and other instruments were able to bring a dramatic feel to the song. Also, it may be hard to tell if you don’t listen carefully, but my mother is singing some operatic background vocals in the song. I thought it appropriate to have a parent in the song somehow, as it’s about my childhood, and my mother can sing so she was the likely candidate. I bring back the song in “Child In Me Reprise” the 12th track in my album. The melody of this one is actually the original melody I wrote for the song before it was rearranged.

“So I ask why this comfort I feel in tears?” I’d always felt home in sadness because that was the primary feeling I felt, but I can honestly say that I have learned to let happiness in and it’s no longer scary, unfamiliar territory. And should I ever meet you, I can say for sure that you will be greeted with a smile, and not a smile to mask my sadness, but a real, genuine smile <3

For a FREE download go here: <3