i woke up in the morning with a simple plan of things i could do to make myself feel better, i was feeling a little blue. i’ve talked about my now husband Joseph a lot recently, and because of his family situation, he needs to go away frequently. you’d think after 6 plus years of this, i’d get used to it, but no. the honest truth is i that don’t like being left. some of it stems from childhood, this fear of it. this, however, is getting much better, as Joseph is the kindest, most reliable and stable person. so that fear has been diminishing rapidly these days. i also go through a lot of ups and downs with being a musician. i’m grateful and feel blessed to be able to do music, but honestly, it’s a hard life, and you have to learn how to not let the many disappointments get you down and stop trying.
i am a person who also likes and thrives in my daily rituals, and when my sense of equilibrium is messed up, it effects me. i can be really happy, and then go down south pretty quickly. and if i were to be truly honest, sometimes i just wish i could have a “normal” relationship where i don’t always have to prepare for the next time he has to leave. i wish he could focus on OUR “family”, and not have to go away so much. i also sometimes wish i just had a “normal” job with stability, and a knowing of what to expect. a stable (and hefty, if you please!! ;)) paycheck, maybe? i guess this could be viewed as selfish and ungrateful. but hey, i can’t really control the feelings i have, and i don’t really want to. human beings are meant to feel. but what i CAN do, is see how i can make this situation work for me.
but back to my original story. i woke up feeling very alone, so i decided i was going to cheer myself up by going to one of my favorite places, the bookstore. i also figured i’d write a blog while at the bookstore, perfect! and i thought i’d treat myself to one of my favorite drinks, a raw green juice from Whole Foods. so i got up, showered, dressed, and headed out. i drove to Whole Foods, to find it was closed because of a power outage. so i thought, i can still go to the bookstore at least. i set my GPS to go to the nearest Barnes and Noble, and headed out…. annnd it took me to the wrong place, to some freakin construction zone!! by now i was pretty pissed and all i could do was just drive home upset. and i went home and pouted, haha! (i can be prettttty good at that!!) and when i get upset, i do what a lot of females do and think about not just the thing that upset me, but EVERYTHING in my ENTIRE LIFE that upsets me! (tip: men, you need to RUN IN THE OTHER DIRECTION when this happens)
but as i sat on my bed and pouted, i thought, i am DETERMINED to change the course of my day. and since i couldn’t physically go to the bookstore, i thought i’d go to an ONLINE bookstore. so i did. i went on itunes, and bought a book! i also pulled beets, carrots, celery, swiss chard, a lemon, and ginger out of the fridge, and made my OWN raw juice, thank you very much! and i immersed myself in my new book with my juice in hand, and had a grand old time and actually smiled!! 😀
sooo, the point of my story? if i accept the way things are, then i can be happy. if i see the situation in a positive light, i can always turn the situation around and smile 🙂 and if i KEEP doing this, eventually my life will turn the way i want it to be, the way i actually created it to be. and if i look at my life now, it IS what i have created. all our lives are. and i have a beautiful life that i’m grateful for, that i find happiness in. i really do. well HOW, you may ask?
well, if you look at the picture here, i apparently made it to Barnes and Noble (two days later) and am currently writing this blog 🙂 and i found another book I’m excited to read :). i also have in the past, shied away from marriage, one of the reasons being a fear of losing my creativity through it. i was (and sometimes am still) afraid that a life of too much stability and comfort would take away my need to create. but my situation now allows me to be alone regularly. it’s uncomfortable every time i’m presented with it, but in the end, THIS IS WHAT I ASKED FOR! i wanted a marriage that wouldn’t stop my creativity, that would still allow me to be creative. i happen to be the most creative in solitude. again, I GOT WHAT I ASKED FOR! i’m writing in caps because as i’m typing this, i’m in awe of the truth of it. and i’m in awe of how life unfolds the way you intend it, it’s pretty DARN COOL.
and as for music? well i just got offered a paid performance opportunity, not EXACTLY what i had in mind, but i’m happy about it! i will be singing a song IN JAPANESE (a first, but a welcome challenge!), haha, at a college. COOLIO. and i know i’m in for some more magical surprises that will add notches on my dream belt, just as long as i keep following my path, and have the right attitude.
life can be pretty cool, huh? <3