I used to flip out and think something was drastically wrong with the path i was on, if i felt sad or confused. i used to think it meant i needed to change my whole life around, because sadness or confusion was a sign that something wasn’t right. and this was only several years ago. this is one of the reasons it took me a little while to get married. in my head i thought, i couldn’t possibly get married if i wasn’t happy all the time! but the question is, who the heck is happy ALL the time??
so i’m feeling a little blue today. sometimes when my sense of equilibrium is thrown off, i get that way. sometimes feeling a little blue will bring up in me all things that have made me blue in my past. and then i’ll take out my iPod and listen to a sad song and it will make me feel better. my past was made up of many sad songs that helped me cope. currently what’s making me feel better is “I Know You By Heart” sung by Eva Cassidy. her absolutely stunningly magnificently gorgeous voice, and the music, the beautiful music makes me REALLY know that i’m never alone in my sadness. i’m not the only one, i’m not the only one! In my head i know this, but when listening to something as otherworldly as music, then i FEEL the truth of this in my heart. how comforting is that?
happiness was relatively a new concept for me a little while back ago. i’d gotten used to sadness and felt comfortable in it. when you’re used to something and have lived your life in a certain way, sometimes it’s hard to get out of that place. well, i guess it’s because change is always scary and uncomfortable. it’s funny how the best things in life come after you decide to take that uncomfortable chance to see what is beyond. usually gifts and blessings you couldn’t have imagined before. so why not always take that leap? well, it’s HARD! and that’s ok 🙂 we’re all ok as long as we’re doing the best we can 🙂
i saw a movie a few months ago. called “Take This Waltz”, starring Michelle Williams (i’m in LOVE with her!!). somehow after watching it, it never left me. it just struck a chord. Michelle Williams encounters the sadness, or emptiness i mentioned above – the kind you can’t really escape because it’s just a part of life. in the movie she tries to escape it and finds she can’t. and the character played by Sarah Silverman says to her, “Life has a gap in it. It just does. You don’t go around trying to fill it like a lunatic”.
a moment of insight for me. i guess since i was mostly sad growing up, i wasn’t really familiar with the concept of happiness. i used to look at all the “happy” people and always be in awe of how they were always that way. and now that i’m in the “happy” category, i had to learn that it actually isn’t always that way. and that’s just the way it is. and it actually brings comfort to me knowing that, because i actually love sadness. i think it is beautiful.
Eva Cassidy’s “Over the Rainbow” playing on my iPod now. the most gorgeous version of the song i have ever heard. yes, maybe i have tasted a bit of life over the rainbow 🙂 the very land that i’d only heard of once in a lullaby. but i’ve come to discover that it’s not only bluebirds and fluffy clouds up there, it’s rain and probably more rainbow to climb. but really, how perfectly beautiful is that? <3