On Crystals, Kale, and SEAGULLS (and a journey back to journal #15…)

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Today i’m just in a good mood 🙂 i love my lit beeswax tapers, i love that spring is finally here, i love my beautiful crystals on my mantle and the crystals on my stunning jewelry, and i love kale!! and ooh, more, there happens to be tons of kale in my fridge, aren’t i just the wealthiest lady! ;D

Joseph and I have been taking hikes in the beautiful area around us, it makes me feel so peaceful and GOOD. we discovered a gorgeous trail that is a 2 min drive away, and it was almost like being in my beloved Catskill mountains! i haven’t been there in a little while which makes me feel a little starved, but this has rejuvenated my spirit a bit. although i still can’t wait for another venture to the Catskills soon! i’m sending good vibes my way so that i’ll get to go again real soon, haha 🙂

so, i’ve been toying with the idea of writing a book from my thousands of journal entries, i’ve always had a knowing feeling that i would one day do this. i did attempt to do so online a couple years back, but when i sat down to do it and started looking through my journals, i felt so EXPOSED, and i shrank away from it!

but today i feel so grateful to be where i am, and i got to thinking about a particular journal entry i wrote when i was in college. so i immediately grabbed my step stool from the kitchen and dragged it to the high shelf in my bedroom where all my journals live, so that i could act on my inspiration before i could lose it. i somehow knew it was my red journal #15. the entry is one i’ve never forgotten, maybe because i shared it with a writing class i was taking then. it was the very class that i cut so that i could hang out by the sea to write it!

i was at a point in my life when everything i knew was uncontrollably flying from my fingertips – college was ending, friendships were ending, love possibilities were ending, and i just felt lost, confused about where i was going, and i was so very, very sad. i couldn’t do anything but sleep, and i couldn’t eat much. in my sadness all i could do was go out by the water and write.

part of my journal entry from that day:

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“3:25pm – i’m sitting at Seaside Park right now. Trying to enjoy the beautiful day. i’m just reflecting and trying, hopefully, to create song lyrics. i’m just gonna jot down some random thoughts… funny. i’m sitting in my car cuz i tried sitting outside but it got too chilly and windy. so i’m sitting here, watching seagulls. and it’s funny cuz they remind me of me. they’re picking up mussels, i think, and trying to fly towards a destination. except they keep flying against the direction the wind is blowing. so they’re flapping their wings with so much determination, but the wind keeps pushing them back, and they keep dropping the mussels from their beaks. but they just without hesitation, swoop down to pick them up, and start all over again. flying against the wind blowing, dropping their mussels, and flapping their wings again. such determination in a seemingly hopeless situation. they keep going with determination, like they don’t even notice all the odds going against them. or maybe they’re choosing not to see. the sign of an optimist, or the sign of someone in denial. i’m just like them. i’d like to think that i’m an optimist, though.”

this entry does certainly portray the life of a musician, how we keep going and going though we keep getting slapped in the face. it also portrays life in general though, how we keep striving and striving to get to that place our heart’s are at. but maybe if the wind doesn’t represent the unavoidable hardships we face, we can learn to fly with the wind, and not against it. maybe i’m learning this at this moment.

to me, there’s always been beauty in sadness, and i’ve always ever since i can remember, longed for the past, which is beautiful to me too. but one day i will look back on the time i wrote this blog entry, and reminisce about the beautiful times i spent during this very moment in time <3

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