So, what to blog about today? hmmm, oh, maybe about how i got married? oh yes, that seems to me a worthy-of-attention topic… and yes, i DID just in fact write that i got married… it’s as true as can be even if i have a hard time believing it myself!
i’ve been struggling for a bit now, about how much of myself i should be revealing to the public… it’s hard to know where the fine line is between what to let out, and what to keep private. of course there are people in our lives that will know everything and that is intentional, but other than that, how much of yourself do you reveal? revealing for me means giving, i feel like. it’s about letting myself out to the public, in hopes that my story can inspire or uplift or connect people. but the darker part of the equation is that sometimes it can be an invitation to be stomped on… but i realize that it’s all good because if you know me well, i cringe at masks and superficiality. i like the truth to be known! and maybe it’s all worth it if one more person can gain something, no matter how little…
so with that said, back the story of my marriage… (and i’m cringing as i write this!)
i’ve had a fear of marriage for quite a bit now… most likely caused by past experiences in my life. i’ve been in a relationship for a while now though, and one that i know is right for me. sometimes i’d get bouts of inspiration thinking that ok, now i can do this! but then i’d let my fears and negative thoughts take over, and i’d repeat the same cycle over and over again. about half a year ago though, i (we) felt that this is the direction we wanted to take for sure. and then all the planning, and i’ve never been one to dream about and plan my big white wedding. and then the fears again. i knew it was what i wanted but i’d convince myself otherwise and keep running in circles.
well, i got a sudden bout of inspiration about a month ago. i am very spiritual and also into numerology and presented the idea to my now husband (aaaahhh!!!) that we should just get married on November 29, 2012 because it would numerically mean a lot. also according to Indian and Chinese astrology, it is said to be an auspicious wedding date. yes, this only left us a month! but sudden bouts inspiration do not happen all the time. and the thing is, i felt like my heart was talking to me, shaking me. and it was accompanied by FEAR, but i just knew it was the right thing, the path i’m supposed to take, right now. and that path can sometimes feel like the most difficult and scary thing to do, but what’s needed to go where you need to go. so we got our wedding bands and kept it quiet just IN CASE. and leading up to the date, i’d sometimes wake up at night, sick with fear, not knowing if i could go through with it. and other times i felt like i was walking on air because i was finally facing my fear and actually doing what my heart wanted. i wasn’t running away! 2 days before the date, we invited all of our immediate family members and close friends to the most beautiful little ceremony in our living room, decorated with lots of lights, candles, and flowers. i got married in my very pink peony dress, my beautiful flower necklace, and my sparkly Jimmy Choo strappy heels (which i just HAD to have a little while back and justified buying, saying it was for a special occasion, but hey i DID wear them for a special occasion!). a handful could be here in person on such short notice, but the rest were there via Skype on our big tv screen, and their presence was felt so very strongly and it was perfectly perfect for us. and how did i know it was perfect? because of the peace i felt afterwards, and the happy glow.
sometimes, when we are trying to fulfill what’s closest to our hearts, what will bring us the happiness we deserve, it feels selfish, or we feel underserving of it. i’ve always felt underserving of it. and sometimes when you are on the right path in general and really going for something, there will be people who’ll stomp on you, who’ll discourage you and who’ll hate you for doing it. but it’s always worth it in the end. when you follow your dreams it is always worth it.
so there is the story of my big, not so white, but very pink wedding. it’s not a traditional story. but it is me. so very me. and i feel such a sense of peace, and like a weight has been lifted off my chest. and i feel yet another weight being lifted off my chest from sharing it all with you. and now i feel confident that i can do what i want. i can conquer my fear and pursue my dreams. and my other love, music – it’s been waiting for me to come back to it. and i think i’m ready. and if not right this moment, then soon. but what i DO know in this moment, is that i want to thank you who are reading this, for being a part of my story.