It All Started With the Gym… and a Song in My Heart!

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There’s a song in my head right now, a song in my heart right now.  i just got back from the gym and wondrous things happen inside me when i’m on the elliptical or while i’m in the middle of a yoga class.  i just got back and i’m a slightly sweaty mess so need a shower and i only had one egg for breakfast so am hungry, but i need to create this blog while i still have the notes dancing in my head.

There’s a song in my head right now but i will write that out later, hopefully. the creativity strikes here and there, but the following up on it is where the actual creation, the final product comes to be.  sadly, many possible songs and blogs and videos have flown away from me before they could be materialized, but the good news is, there will always be more.  while i drove home from the gym i heard this song in my head, and i kept feeding it.  and since i was in the middle of a highway in my car, i grabbed my iPhone and hummed what i heard.  (warning: this may cause dangerous situations where you’ll have to slam on your brakes to keep from crashing!!)  although all the rolling, building drums, the instrumentation and the background vocals are singing in my brain, i can’t record onto my voice memos with just my lone single voice.  but i can remember.  and if it’s really something good i’m on to, i will remember.

i’ve been wondering what my next move should be.  i always have this yearning inside my heart, to do something on a wider scale.  to impact the living, loving souls in my environment somehow.  i just don’t really know how.  i feel small sometimes, like i’m this little person in this big world, trying, hoping to do something loving, something positive.  but i don’t know how.  I guess just getting to the next step will suffice.  actually, it would make my day, make my entire year!

i joined this gym about a week ago.  it’s the perfect gym, with a beautiful yoga studio with wood floors and soft lighting, a clean white environment everywhere else, and they sell organic raw juices!  kinda like my idea of a paradise 😉  i realize that while doing something physical that’s good for me, i can tap into my spiritual, which in turn helps my emotional.  especially with yoga, but also just being on the elliptical.  and maybe, well actually, surely, this gym was brought to my attention a while ago by a friend, for a reason.   like most things in our lives are brought to our attention for a reason.  if we listen carefully, the right things are introduced to us, and hopefully we can all be aware enough to invite them in.  and let it do its magic and lead us to the right situation, or people, or mindset.

the gym for me, is a very welcome addition to my life because it brings out my creativity.  something i sometimes don’t tap into when i’m just sitting on my butt and feeling sorry for myself.  and yes, when i look better (from working out), i definitely feel better, which makes me prone to DO more, create more, sing more…  i also tend to do better with taking care of my body when it’s not just about the physical, but knowing it’s helping me in so many other ways.  and yes, i admit i can be a very vain creature, so i don’t do videos when i feel fat and unattractive and like a couch potato.  but maybe it’s more an insecurity thing.  maybe i’m AFRAID of looking less than, because then maybe in my made up world i won’t be good enough.  so no longer will my vanity (or insecurity!) be what stops me from making videos, especially if i’m taking care of myself! 😉

yesterday, i took a yoga class, and a third of the way into the class, the song “You’re Beautiful” by James Blunt came on.  i love that song 🙂  i just let myself believe i was being told that i’m beautiful, which is good because i’m very hard on myself, and have especially recently been trying to work on loving myself (and in turn, others) more.  i guess that i can’t truly love others fully until i love myself fully and that’s been hard for me.  i’m too critical of myself!!  and that has got to stop and i’m determined that it will.  SO… didya HEAR??  James BLUNT says i’m BEAUTIFUL!!! 😀  so it MUST be true!!  haha, just kidding 😉  and it’s musically such a pretty song to me.  i just like it!  it touches some part of me, in a way that words can’t really explain.  the definition of a good song, to me.  AND i think i just got a sign from somewhere out there, in my inbox, one of the writers i love (Sark) is doing a course on self love, maybe i will take it 😉  Strange coinkydink that i got it just now…  This really makes me believe even more that if you seek you shall find.

so maybe i can’t really do something that will ease the yearning in my heart until i can truly spread real LOVE out to my world.  and i don’t know if i can really do that without really loving myself first.  but i feel a burst of creativity right now so maybe it’s the gift or reward i’ve been given, from actively trying to love myself and others more.  So i’m getting an ‘E’ for effort!!  our efforts are always recognized, i think, so that we will be urged to go further, in the right direction.  so now i must say, thank you, to yoga, to the elliptical, to green juice, to the gym, and to the Universe, for this song in my head, this song in my heart, that stirred all this gratitude and love within me <3

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Life’s Little Gem Moments: from Blue to Blissful :D

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i woke up in the morning with a simple plan of things i could do to make myself feel better, i was feeling a little blue.  i’ve talked about my now husband Joseph a lot recently, and because of his family situation, he needs to go away frequently.  you’d think after 6 plus years of this, i’d get used to it, but no.  the honest truth is i that don’t like being left.  some of it stems from childhood, this fear of it.   this, however, is getting much better, as Joseph is the kindest, most reliable and stable person.  so that fear has been diminishing rapidly these days.  i also go through a lot of ups and downs with being a musician.  i’m grateful and feel blessed to be able to do music, but honestly, it’s a hard life, and you have to learn how to not let the many disappointments get you down and stop trying.

i am a person who also likes and thrives in my daily rituals, and when my sense of equilibrium is messed up, it effects me.  i can be really happy, and then go down south pretty quickly.  and if i were to be truly honest, sometimes i just wish i could have a “normal” relationship where i don’t always have to prepare for the next time he has to leave.  i wish he could focus on OUR “family”, and not have to go away so much.  i also sometimes wish i just had a “normal” job with stability, and a knowing of what to expect.  a stable (and hefty, if you please!! ;)) paycheck, maybe?  i guess this could be viewed as selfish and ungrateful.  but hey, i can’t really control the feelings i have, and i don’t really want to.  human beings are meant to feel.  but what i CAN do, is see how i can make this situation work for me.

but back to my original story.  i woke up feeling very alone, so i decided i was going to cheer myself up by going to one of my favorite places, the bookstore.   i also figured i’d write a blog while at the bookstore, perfect!  and i thought i’d treat myself to one of my favorite drinks, a raw green juice from Whole Foods.  so i got up, showered, dressed, and headed out.  i drove to Whole Foods, to find it was closed because of a power outage.  so i thought, i can still go to the bookstore at least.  i set my GPS to go to the nearest Barnes and Noble, and headed out…. annnd it took me to the wrong place, to some freakin construction zone!!  by now i was pretty pissed and all i could do was just drive home upset.  and i went home and pouted, haha!  (i can be prettttty good at that!!)  and when i get upset, i do what a lot of females do and think about not just the thing that upset me, but EVERYTHING in my ENTIRE LIFE that upsets me!  (tip: men, you need to RUN IN THE OTHER DIRECTION when this happens)

but as i sat on my bed and pouted, i thought, i am DETERMINED to change the course of my day.  and since i couldn’t physically go to the bookstore, i thought i’d go to an ONLINE bookstore.  so i did.   i went on itunes, and bought a book!  i also pulled beets, carrots, celery, swiss chard, a lemon, and ginger out of the fridge, and made my OWN raw juice, thank you very much!  and i immersed myself in my new book with my juice in hand, and had a grand old time and actually smiled!! 😀

sooo, the point of my story?  if i accept the way things are, then i can be happy.  if i see the situation in a positive light, i can always turn the situation around and smile 🙂  and if i KEEP doing this, eventually my life will turn the way i want it to be, the way i actually created it to be.  and if i look at my life now, it IS what i have created.  all our lives are.  and i have a beautiful life that i’m grateful for, that i find happiness in.  i really do.  well HOW, you may ask?

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well, if you look at the picture here, i apparently made it to Barnes and Noble (two days later) and am currently writing this blog 🙂  and i found another book I’m excited to read :). i also have in the past, shied away from marriage, one of the reasons being a fear of losing my creativity through it.  i was (and sometimes am still) afraid that a life of too much stability and comfort would take away my need to create.  but my situation now allows me to be alone regularly.  it’s uncomfortable every time i’m presented with it, but in the end, THIS IS WHAT I ASKED FOR!  i wanted a marriage that wouldn’t stop my creativity, that would still allow me to be creative.  i happen to be the most creative in solitude.  again, I GOT WHAT I ASKED FOR!  i’m writing in caps because as i’m typing this, i’m in awe of the truth of it.  and i’m in awe of how life unfolds the way you intend it, it’s pretty DARN COOL.

and as for music?  well i just got offered a paid performance opportunity, not EXACTLY what i had in mind, but i’m happy about it!  i will be singing a song IN JAPANESE (a first, but a welcome challenge!), haha, at a college.  COOLIO.  and i know i’m in for some more magical surprises that will add notches on my dream belt, just as long as i keep following my path, and have the right attitude.

life can be pretty cool, huh? <3