Song Portrait: Why

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I enter the writing of this song portrait with a willingness to reveal a little of what’s underneath my thick shell… maybe this glass of wine will be of assistance… 😉

This song was written as i found myself covering up me, as usual. it’s a way less scary place to be- underneath a mask where you are shielding what’s in your heart, for all to see…or for all to possibly stomp on. yes, just the possibility of my heart being trampled on is enough to make me cringe but hey, time to step up and live. not just right now, but always, hopefully… for a heart that isn’t truly out there isn’t truly beating… seems to be a constant effort with me! (but to be clear, i have nooo problem in the laughter and anger department! everyone must vary..)

i have a tendency to smile when i feel sad. i’d rather laugh or be furious, than show any sadness. not quite sure where that stemmed from but comfort, to me, is covering up any tears or vulnerability. how can anybody hurt you if you won’t let them see your tears? yes, this started from the time i was a child but i realized later on, how much of yourself are you offering if you can’t really SHOW yourself? and of course, the more you offer, the more you receive… and i am one to know, a good cry is sometimes exactly what you need to relieve yourself, to start fresh and anew.

i also have a tendency to talk myself out of, or wait for something (what?) to happen, before i even begin. could it be that i’m waiting for a particular moment? when everything is perfect? when others have fulfilled their part of the deal? am i waiting for all this junk from my past that holds me back, to disappear before i begin? why? well in that case the beginning may just never happen… This song is about realizing that i am living my dream (or a part of it) right now, because i am on my way there and a lot of it is about the journey, which brings me to the last point.

what is this obsession with getting to the goal, if you (I) even know what that is? the whole point is the journey there, for that’s where you pick up the experiences, the new knowledge, the little rewards… if you (I) can only rejoice when the dream is finally realized, then that will be a very small amount of rejoicing… and WHY choose a very small amount of rejoicing, when you can have a whole LOTTA rejoicing?? 😀 by the way, i am writing this because i am THE prime example of what i seem to be preaching against… heh heh

so in conclusion i have to say, i think we are all the same, i do. no, you who are reading this, may not be Japanese born in the US with my life experiences and childhood, but hey, do you feel happiness? sadness? anger? well, then yes, we are the same. we are trying to find happiness, a fulfillment of some sort in our lifetimes, we have the same goal no matter what form it may appear in. i am flawed, as you are, but we are all perfectly flawed. just as long as we are striving to be a better version of ourselves…

i thank you, glass (or two?) of Riesling, you have helped me uncover me, less painfully! 😉

<3